Monday, February 15, 2021
Sunday, August 09, 2020
Parallels
After writing the last post yesterday night, something very curious occurred to me. I realized blogger Allie Brosh has a post exactly on what I was feeling, or you know, what was happening to me. It was quite interesting, finding people that go through the same emotions as you, trying to make sense of the same illogical mess as you are. And it raised a tiny beacon of hope.
You can read the full post here, but I am just going to attach some excerpts here.
" I remember being endlessly entertained by the adventures of my toys.
Some days they died repeated, violent deaths, other days they traveled
to space or discussed my swim lessons and how I absolutely should be
allowed in the deep end of the pool, especially since I was such a
talented doggy-paddler.
I didn't understand why it was fun for me, it just was.
But as I grew older, it became harder and harder to access that
expansive imaginary space that made my toys fun. I remember looking at
them and feeling sort of frustrated and confused that things weren't the
same.
I played out all the same story lines that had been fun before, but the
meaning had disappeared. Horse's Big Space Adventure transformed into
holding a plastic horse in the air, hoping it would somehow be enjoyable
for me. Prehistoric Crazy-Bus Death Ride was just smashing a toy bus
full of dinosaurs into the wall while feeling sort of bored and
unfulfilled. I could no longer connect to my toys in a way that allowed
me to participate in the experience.
The beginning of my depression had been nothing but feelings, so
the emotional deadening that followed was a welcome relief. I had
always wanted to not give a fuck about anything. I viewed feelings as a
weakness — annoying obstacles on my quest for total power over
myself. And I finally didn't have to feel them anymore."
This does not solve the problem though, while Allie's post ends on a slight grain of hope, it is made clear there is no complete redemption. Just like I feared. I have lost something I may never get back in this life.
Expecto Patronum
In 2003, when I was in grade seven, I got my first Harry Potter book. Needless to say, life changed from that point. To say that I was completely immersed in the story would be an understatement. I can't even begin to put into words what those days were like. I could not put the book down. All my day would be either reading the book or thinking about it. It had such an impact that at that time, to me, real life started feeling artificial, my heart and mind lived inside the magical world of wizardry. I would think about the story, imagine the characters going on about their lives, imagine me myself being beside the characters, in their world. Reality started feeling unreal. I would go to school and talk to my my friends about it the whole time, we would wait eagerly for the books and the movies. It was a feeling beyond words, nothing short of magic. Those years were the happiest times of my life. It was like living in euphoria.
Years have passed since the last book, the last movie came out. I've re-read the books, re-watched the movies countless times. But something has happened, something is not quite right. I don't feel those prolonged periods of childhood awe anymore, I don't make up elaborate scenarios in my mind. Not anymore. I do get concessional jolts of familiar nostalgia from time to time, even they do not last more than mere moments. A quick blink, to the world that once was. And it makes me realize what a precious part I've lost. Has the burden of growing up really made me this cold and pathetic? Did my quest for emotional independence somehow rendered my ability to be awed blunt? I don't know. But realizing this has disheartened me a lot. The magic is lost. The childish awe is gone. Chances are I may never get it back, and moments like these are crippling. It makes me want to cry out loud.....
Oh things I'd give just to feel the magic again.....
![]() |
| Artwork by Mary Grandpre |
![]() |
| Artwork by Vladislav Pantic |
![]() |
| "never tickle a sleeping dragon" |
Monday, January 28, 2019
Thursday, August 30, 2018
Euphoria? Indulgence? Stupidity?
The moment I set foot in the school, I was overwhelmed with feelings I cannot put into words. It was like being extremely joyful and sad at the same time. Joyful because there I was, once again, back at the place that made me. Among hundreds of kids some of who will maybe someday turn out to be like me. I was safe. I was home. Sad, because I would never truly be back there, my time there had ended. I will never be I child again, I will never be able to play in that uniform again.
A lot of questions sprang up in my mind
'Is this real?'
'When did I grow up?'
'When did I get used to not coming here everyday?'
'Why am a not here anymore, why am I not in that uniform like those hundreds of kids, playing carelessly?Why am I not one those kids?'
'Were the fields, the tables always this small?'
'When did I become so okay with growing up?'
'Will these kids someday feel what I'm feeling? Do they do the same stuff we did in school?'
'When will I come back here?'
'What would it take for another 10 years of school?'
'Is this a dream? will I wake up?'.....
This was such a strange experience. Melancholic euphoria. Or just rewarding indulgence? Or just sheer stupidity? I was there, I was home, I was elated and I was sad. But this stupid grin was smeared across my face. It was utter bliss. I was stumped. I was overwhelmed.
Life I tell you.....
Friday, August 17, 2018
উঠান আর মানিব্যাগ
২৬ সেপ্টেম্বর ২০২০ঃ
রাত ১ টা বাজে। উঠানসমেত নানীবাড়ি আর দু' তিন মাস আছে খুব জোড়। যে কয়টা দিন আছে যত পারা যায় ছবি তুলে রাখছি। একটা প্ল্যান আর থ্রিডি মডেল ও করে রাখার ইচ্ছা আছে। তোলা ছবিগুলোর কয়েকটা ঘষামাজা করছিলাম আপলোড দিব বলে (ইয়ারফোনে বাজছিল হ্যামকের গান, কেন জানি মনে হল এটা লিখে রাখা উচিৎ)। ঠিক এই সময় হঠাৎ একটা ধাক্কা কোথা থেকে খেয়ে বসলাম। অনেকদিন ধরেই নিজেকে বলে আসছি, এটাই হবার, একদিন নানীবাড়ি ভাঙ্গা হবে, এটাই নিয়ম, এটাই সত্যি। তারপরও এইসব হাবিজাবি চিন্তা করতে করতে, ছবি গুলার দিকে তাকিয়ে থাকতে থাকতে ঠিক কী একটা হল বুঝলাম না।
বাচ্চাদের মত কেঁদেছি বসে বসে বেশ কিছুক্ষন।
বাচ্চারা যেমন বাস্তবতা, যুক্তি না মেনে কাঁদে, ওইরকম।
জীর্ণ বাড়িটা এক টুকরা বাচ্চামি এইভাবে ফিরিয়ে দিবে জানা ছিল না।
এক্টুও প্রস্তুত ছিলাম না।
কখনো হতে পারবো কিনা তাও জানিনা...

২৭ ফেব্রুয়ারী ২০২২ঃ
Saturday, August 04, 2018
তারুণ্যের জন্য
![]() |
| মাহাতাব ও ঈশার তৈরী ব্যানার |























































































































