2016: A Retrospective

So here it is, the last few days of 2016. Never been one of those people who write things about events, achievements or life events regularly, but sometimes I find too many things getting tangled up inside my head, and the only way I can unwind is to put things down into words. Its a kind of self assessment, if you will. Very personal.

Alright, back to the topic. The end of 2016. 2016 will easily be labeled a notorious year to say the least by most of the people, and for fair reasons. First we have the death of some great artists throughout the stretch of the year, and then of course a certain person with tiny hands (WRONG!), and of course the world in political and humanitarian turmoil. But on a really personal level, 2016 has been a pretty nice year to me. So its only fitting I say goodbye to it properly.

The year started with us moving to a new house. Which I hate. This was one of the bad parts actually. Our previous house was much bigger compared to this closet. The walls were light and creamy and relaxing. My room had a field beside it which ensured I always have a clear view of the sky. I enjoyed the night sky, the storm winds making the trees bend, the first cotton candy clouds of autumn, the first downpour of monsoon. I had unrestricted access to the rooftops. I could watch the nigh sky. Stargazing was a favorite activity. I taught myself the name of the stars and the constellations. Of course the new house has none of these, which actually impacted my behavior. I started to stay out more, and only came home to eat or sleep. I cant even draw as much as I did in the old house.
Not only that, the street where I live is an old one and was lined with beautiful old buildings. And in a desperate attempt of fixing an unplanned city, all of them, ALL OF THEM were brought down mercilessly to make way for a bigger road. This hurt me on unforgettable levels. I avoided the street for months, cause I couldn't bear the sight. But you know what? We learn to live on no matter  what. Adaptability. That's what millions of years of evolution taught us right? That's what I'm working on right now. Trying to make myself accept things. I hope to make progress real soon.

Apart from the above mentioned incident, I am trying more and more to accept changes.

One of the most valuable lessons I've learnt this year is that people are different. Their views are different, their opinions are different, their preferences are different. It's only natural if your values, choices, wants or other attributes don't match with another. It is absolutely dumb to expect everyone to be the same as you or behave the same as you. Having said that, what is not okay is being a liar about yourself and creating circumstances that make people expect wrong things from you.
Its a very obvious truth, I wonder why I didn't learn this earlier....
Oh wait. You never actually learn things unless you're the receiving end of a scenario.

I found out that there is no use in being sad, It doesn't make you poetic, or a special snowflake. Its kinda like taking a dump and rolling in it. It only kills your time and diverts you from the things you should be focusing on, like your own life. Nothing unique can happen to you that hasn't already happened to millions of people.

I am meeting new people. It always helps to keep your outlook fresh. But don't go deserting the people that has always been there for.

A beautiful thing has happened, I am starting to get inspired by a lot more things, a lot more people. I am starting to get inspired by the kids that look at me, say that they are inspired by me. I think it has to do with my appreciation of childish wonder. I consider it an absolute asset.

The struggle to let go and unlearn is a great one. Perhaps the hardest thing we have to do in order to push ourselves, to excel or to achieve new heights is to unlearn. Another valuable lesson from this year.

Guess what! I participated in INKtober this year! This has been a great exercise! I am actually a bit surprised that I pulled it off, given my short attention span ans slacker persona. If you want you can check out the drawings here. I also gave these drawings away in a giveaway to complete strangers. It was a fun first time experience.

This year I attended a camp (Jamboree) which was way out of my comfort zone. The experience was pretty great and it was a sudden shift in the routine life, the good kind of shift that is.

The kids that surround me has grown so much. In age experience and skill. It makes me realize how time flies and at the same time remind me of myself when I was their age.

Academically this was a stable year. I think I taught myself to manage my works in time.Which is actually a huge thing for a slacker for me.

I learned that If Rajshahi (my hometown) is like that mother who loved me unconditionally and kisses me anywhere I am hurt, Khulna (where I am studying at the moment) is like that terrible grumpy old math teacher who scolds me and smacks me for every little mistake I make, but at the end only wants to make something out of me and watch me succeed.

Well, that's about it. Its been a quite, peaceful year. Ups and downs were experienced, but hey, your whole notion of 'fair' is flawed if you want life to be fair but don't want to deal with your fair share of obstacles. So I'm calling it a good year. A year of growth, momentum and introspection. A year of changing definitions and a year of trying to let go. A year of gain in lessons and experiences, not a year of physical achievements. Lets see what the few remaining days have in store.
Lets buckle up for 2017.
All the best wishes for you.

P.S: This post is a procrastination. I am supposed to be working on my thesis project right now.

Oh well.
You know what I mean.
And yes, that is supposed to be me.

Round and Round We Go

Lets face it, the things that you are facing, everything that has happened to you, its not something new. Your problems, your obstacles aren't unique. They have been happening to humans for thousands of years. Nothing can ever happen to you that hasn't already happened to someone before.
All of us go through the same phases, but does that make things pointless?
Absolutely not.
Its not important whose problems are bigger or more significant, what matters is to go through your own hurdles, having your own realizations, sorting things out in your own way - even though it has already been done before.
Keep breathing, keep living.

Tough Kid

I always liked to believe that I was immune to negativity. The fact that no mean words or hateful glances could ever hurt me. And to some extent, that was true, none of these things did ever bother me. I liked to think I was tough, like a rock. I had this powerful wall built around me that no ill thought could penetrate. And it was so.
Then, one day, my nanu (maternal grandparent) just casually said to me, "I have big dreams about you, Ayon". And it broke me down. I was in pieces. All those walls suddenly vanished. I felt like bursting into tears.
I was immune to negativity after all, just not immune to the thought of being a letdown to all those people who tirelessly love me.

Okay Hi!

So, this is the 100th post of my humble little blog.
I realized, there hasn't been a proper introduction from my part yet. So I've decided for 100th post I'll write a few things about myself.

Okay, so, first thing you should know about me is probably my refusal to act like an adult. It can be said that I didn't grow past my teen years. My mentality is stuck at 17 years. I can be mature when needed but never an adult, oh no.
I was a Bamoonpoita baby. I was raised with great care, love and respect.

Growing up, I had an absolutely wonderful childhood. The kind that could make any people jealous.
Sukumer Roy, Chuck Jones, Hannah-Barbera, J.K Rowling and Jim Carey made my childhood.

People start addressing me as "Ayon da" when they find out my name is Ayon.
Its not like I don't like it or anything, its something I've always found interesting. 

I'm in love with Trains.
I keep losing handkerchiefs.
Stargazing and walking are two of my favorite activities.
I like high speed journeys.
I like bumpy rides.
I am unusually attracted to the unliving things.

The biggest thing I found out about myself in the past years is that I am helpless against some particular emotions. Homesickness, love and self doubt. People may get tired of me complaining about being homesick. I sometimes get severe depression from homesickness. I am homesick to the point where I feel homesickness almost as a solid, physical form: a twisting in my guts, a weight in my knees, a knot in my brain and an obstacle in my throat.

I am reluctant to change my current city which is set to Rajshahi on facebook, even though I am in another city.

In my free time I like to hunt down and listen to musical instruments from various parts of the world on the internet.

I am humbled, terrified and astonished by the fact that this world has so many things to offer that we may not be able to experience in one lifetime. All the people, place and the little treats.
I also fairness is composed of both happiness and sadness.

I have a tremendous amount of love and respect for the people that surround me all day. I may not stress it enough but I really do. I really love you people and you are my world. I wish I could do more for you, but really, I do all I can.

If you don't take me seriously, you'll make me feel like a burden. I will stop bothering you and slowly withdraw myself from your life.

I am repulsed by the people who cant have fun without demeaning other people. Some people can't even talk to other people without talking shit about other people.

I have learned to love solitude, I seek it out. Solitude is a teacher.
I can now shut down all the noise and find solitude in crowds.

I am a great fangirl.
I am also allergic to higher grade drawing pencil than 2B.

There are a few things that I need to be true in order for me to not lose all hope. One of these is that Calvin always stays with Hobbes.

There's this idea of people about me that I act like a bitch whenever they ask for my birthday.
Allow me to clear things out. These past few years I've lived away has emotionally crippled me. Birthdays and other happy occasions kinda remind me how pathetic and lonely I actually am. Don't get me wrong, I'd love to get birthday wishes, It'd make me happy beyond measures, BUT only from a few close people, and perhaps some people who really mean it. Heartfelt wishes. Everything else seems like noise and commotion to me.

There's a spot in my left eye. I discovered it only days ago. It moves with my eyeball.
Sometimes I see it, sometimes I don't and it devastates me.

Lastly, I really love my blog. Creating this blog was an impulsive decision back in 2010, but as the years flew by, this tiny place of the cyber-universe has been my refuge, my hideout. I can write stuff and don't have to worry about judgement. Even if nobody reads them, just getting stuff out feels wonderful.

I wrote this in a slightly happy mood so this post may lack quality.
If you are still reading this, I salute you. Thanks for taking the time to read this narcissistic gibber gabber from someone you're probably never gonna meet.
You are awesome. 

Thought Snippets #03: Islands

Maybe I'll become an island.
Desolate, distant, detached, yet a paradise and bliss for lost souls.

Photo: Tashfi

Impulses

I almost pierced my ear today.
I don't know exactly what drove me to this. Maybe I was so desperate to get out of this auto pilot life by doing something really debatable, to break the boring suffocating pattern, or maybe I was so frustrated with myself that i was craving physical pain to divert my mind, or maybe I was just looking for attention.
I dont know.

Efforts unnoticed, gestures lost

I used to have some sure, safe places, I had some concrete ideas about certain things.
I believed with all my efforts into those places and ideas. They were my zen, my shelter, my getaway. But now I've come at a certain point in life where the meaning of everything is changing. Maybe things aren't as concrete as they used to be. Maybe friendship doesn't exist. Maybe loyalty is overrated.

My places of sure things fail me. Maybe you don't get back as much as your efforts. Maybe this is all you get. You spend all your time being there and people take you for granted. Efforts are left unacknowledged,  gestures always lost on some people.

What's surprisingly though are the sources these disappointments come from. Then again, no matter how glorified i try to make mg problems, I'll always be the villain in another persons story. Still I am a human being, shouldn't I be allowed my fair share of sadness, anger and complaints?

Maybe this is the ultimate lesson, nothing is ultimate. There's no good, bad, write or wrong, only perspectives.

And so, I am learning yet again, to be alone. I am learning to appreciate and value solitude. To never depend on anyone, being kind without expecting returns, to walk alone.

And to be the sole keeper of my own peace of mind.

Thought Snippets #02: Hiraeth

I watch silently and powerlessly as the meaning of everything changes yet again.
Places of bliss become suffocating, the familiar faces seem repulsive.
Home seems like such an alien concept.

 I don’t fit in here, I never did.

hiraeth

Thought Snippets #01: Dead, Spoken Words

A thousand thoughts thunder across my mind. Thousand queries, thousand explanations, thousand memories.
Yet the only words that manage to escape me are words like okay, sorry, It’s alright.
Dead, paralyzed words, with the occasional exceptions of long sighs.

Railfan

Somewhere, amidst the countless hours of journey I had made by train, I discovered myself madly addicted to the train. There are a lot of things in this world to be addicted to, yet one day, I find myself completely obsessed with all the noises of friction between iron parts that is Bangladesh Railway.

From an early age, train had been a joyous means of transport. Back in those days, my whole family would take this fantastic ride to my grandparent’s house to celebrate the holidays. That was a long time ago. I remember wondering why people take the train so much, all you can see through the window are the same old boring landscapes. I remember the benches facing each other in sets of four and wondering why on earth would they do that. I remember the plates of two different compartments meeting and sliding on top of each other as the train moved, I remember being so afraid of them. I would not dare cross that without my father.

Little did I know, one day I’ll be absolutely obsessed with all these things.

As time went on, I grew up, yet the trains remained pretty much the same. Since I started my undergrad studies in Khulna, which is a seven hour train journey from my hometown Rajshahi, the train has been a trusted companion.
It’s amazing how much space a mundane vehicle can occupy in your heart. I don’t know if it’s my severe homesickness or my inability to cope well with Khulna, but, for some reasons I had clinged onto this sure mean of transport. In between all the pressure you face in your undergrad life, the train was just one of those things I could always count on, always ready to take me home. And because of my homesickness, I made A LOT of train journeys.

Slowly, the train became my getaway. Apart from taking me home, which was for me the happiest and most exciting thing, the seven hours it took in each journey became my most personal time, my zen, my bliss. I would get a ticket beside a window, look out and get lost in my thoughts. It’s beautiful, getting lost in your own thoughts. I probably got to know myself better in these few hours than I ever did anywhere else.
The raw friction between the rails and the wheels, both of which are made of iron has become my favorite lullaby. It has gotten to a point where I prefer this sound than the music in my phone. The same old noises, yet each time they feel completely new and unique.
The usual scenaries that bored me as a child are now my favorite views. The endless lush green underneath a vivid blue, accompanied by cotton clouds in fall and rains in monsoon. This is a picture that has been painted countless times by poets and writers of these lands, yet however cliché they may sound, the beauty never ceases to amaze. Timeless landscape in the truest sense. At dusk and dawn, a golden aura outlines everything. At night, stars and fireflies take part in a breathtaking light show. Stars so bright and fireflies so many you can’t tell them apart.
How could anyone tire of this?
I love plates that go on top of each other and move independently. Sometimes I put each foot on each of the plates and watch in childish wonder as the train makes me dance. I can’t help but smile.
I love the seats in sets of four or six facing each other. I can see people going by their usual journey, some of them too busy to enjoy this marvelous ride.
I love how train jerks a little every time when it crosses a fouling mark. I love how I can see the whole train when it takes a massive turn.
I love the little kids that wave the train goodbye.
I love the hawkers selling unhygienic food, I love the overpriced tea, I love all the cute stations.
I love Pakshi and its elevated railway, the Hardinge Bridge.
I know why Sundarpur(সুন্দরপুর) is named such.
I love Ishwardi station and its hustle and bustle.
I am madly in love with Trains.

arani

inside a compartment

bliss over the horizon

topsy turvy

Extraordinary Ordinary Excellence...

a childhood rhyme, a cup of tea with the folks...maybe a ride home.
Such valueless random things. Stupid, ordinary day-to-day stuff. Yet, these tiny incidents make up our life. With the changing season, these little things finally become our memories. Memories ready to be shared with gleaming eyes and smiling faces.
Life is a hustle. And amidst all these nonsense routine and chores, sometimes it can be wonderfull realizing your day was not eventless afterall. In between those busy schedules you have made some memories. And the ordinary things that weave our memories...maybe the bus you took, the cup at the teastall...or the wind blowing against your face...
Such mundane things that make up our life. And you know whats awesome? The part where you realize it wasnt mundane at all.

If you like appreciating and loving life as much as i do, try reading this blog.

www.rantsofrudra.blogspot.com
written by my good mate (friend sounds cheesy these with everyone being friends with everyone. Weird) Hossain-Al-Wasi.

Also, try this AWESOME site
www.1000awesomethings.com