Tough Kid

I always liked to believe that I was immune to negativity. The fact that no mean words or hateful glances could ever hurt me. And to some extent, that was true, none of these things did ever bother me. I liked to think I was tough, like a rock. I had this powerful wall built around me that no ill thought could penetrate. And it was so.
Then, one day, my nanu (maternal grandparent) just casually said to me, "I have big dreams about you, Ayon". And it broke me down. I was in pieces. All those walls suddenly vanished. I felt like bursting into tears.
I was immune to negativity after all, just not immune to the thought of being a letdown to all those people who tirelessly love me.

Okay Hi!

So, this is the 100th post of my humble little blog.
I realized, there hasn't been a proper introduction from my part yet. So I've decided for 100th post I'll write a few things about myself.

Okay, so, first thing you should know about me is probably my refusal to act like an adult. It can be said that I didn't grow past my teen years. My mentality is stuck at 17 years. I can be mature when needed but never an adult, oh no.
I was a Bamoonpoita baby. I was raised with great care, love and respect.

Growing up, I had an absolutely wonderful childhood. The kind that could make any people jealous.
Sukumer Roy, Chuck Jones, Hannah-Barbera, J.K Rowling and Jim Carey made my childhood.

People start addressing me as "Ayon da" when they find out my name is Ayon.
Its not like I don't like it or anything, its something I've always found interesting. 

I'm in love with Trains.
I keep losing handkerchiefs.
Stargazing and walking are two of my favorite activities.
I like high speed journeys.
I like bumpy rides.
I am unusually attracted to the unliving things.

The biggest thing I found out about myself in the past years is that I am helpless against some particular emotions. Homesickness, love and self doubt. People may get tired of me complaining about being homesick. I sometimes get severe depression from homesickness. I am homesick to the point where I feel homesickness almost as a solid, physical form: a twisting in my guts, a weight in my knees, a knot in my brain and an obstacle in my throat.

I am reluctant to change my current city which is set to Rajshahi on facebook, even though I am in another city.

In my free time I like to hunt down and listen to musical instruments from various parts of the world on the internet.

I am humbled, terrified and astonished by the fact that this world has so many things to offer that we may not be able to experience in one lifetime. All the people, place and the little treats.
I also fairness is composed of both happiness and sadness.

I have a tremendous amount of love and respect for the people that surround me all day. I may not stress it enough but I really do. I really love you people and you are my world. I wish I could do more for you, but really, I do all I can.

If you don't take me seriously, you'll make me feel like a burden. I will stop bothering you and slowly withdraw myself from your life.

I am repulsed by the people who cant have fun without demeaning other people. Some people can't even talk to other people without talking shit about other people.

I have learned to love solitude, I seek it out. Solitude is a teacher.
I can now shut down all the noise and find solitude in crowds.

I am a great fangirl.
I am also allergic to higher grade drawing pencil than 2B.

There are a few things that I need to be true in order for me to not lose all hope. One of these is that Calvin always stays with Hobbes.

There's this idea of people about me that I act like a bitch whenever they ask for my birthday.
Allow me to clear things out. These past few years I've lived away has emotionally crippled me. Birthdays and other happy occasions kinda remind me how pathetic and lonely I actually am. Don't get me wrong, I'd love to get birthday wishes, It'd make me happy beyond measures, BUT only from a few close people, and perhaps some people who really mean it. Heartfelt wishes. Everything else seems like noise and commotion to me.

There's a spot in my left eye. I discovered it only days ago. It moves with my eyeball.
Sometimes I see it, sometimes I don't and it devastates me.

Lastly, I really love my blog. Creating this blog was an impulsive decision back in 2010, but as the years flew by, this tiny place of the cyber-universe has been my refuge, my hideout. I can write stuff and don't have to worry about judgement. Even if nobody reads them, just getting stuff out feels wonderful.

I wrote this in a slightly happy mood so this post may lack quality.
If you are still reading this, I salute you. Thanks for taking the time to read this narcissistic gibber gabber from someone you're probably never gonna meet.
You are awesome. 

Efforts unnoticed, gestures lost

I used to have some sure, safe places, I had some concrete ideas about certain things.
I believed with all my efforts into those places and ideas. They were my zen, my shelter, my getaway. But now I've come at a certain point in life where the meaning of everything is changing. Maybe things aren't as concrete as they used to be. Maybe friendship doesn't exist. Maybe loyalty is overrated.

My places of sure things fail me. Maybe you don't get back as much as your efforts. Maybe this is all you get. You spend all your time being there and people take you for granted. Efforts are left unacknowledged,  gestures always lost on some people.

What's surprisingly though are the sources these disappointments come from. Then again, no matter how glorified i try to make mg problems, I'll always be the villain in another persons story. Still I am a human being, shouldn't I be allowed my fair share of sadness, anger and complaints?

Maybe this is the ultimate lesson, nothing is ultimate. There's no good, bad, write or wrong, only perspectives.

And so, I am learning yet again, to be alone. I am learning to appreciate and value solitude. To never depend on anyone, being kind without expecting returns, to walk alone.

And to be the sole keeper of my own peace of mind.

Thought Snippets #01: Dead, Spoken Words

A thousand thoughts thunder across my mind. Thousand queries, thousand explanations, thousand memories.
Yet the only words that manage to escape me are words like okay, sorry, It’s alright.
Dead, paralyzed words, with the occasional exceptions of long sighs.

A Wish....

Hi there.
Remember me?
You do. You just don’t realize it often enough.

It would be kinda hard to describe who or what I am. So much of what I am is intangible.  But be assured, you know me.  And that’s all that matters.

 I have known you like my own reflection. I know every little thing about you. I know the things that make you cry. I know what makes you happy beyond measures.
I have been by your side all this time. All the good times and the bad times. When you were surprised at yourself that you were this vulnerable, I was there. When you figured out how to blame yourself for everything that was bothering you, I was there, struggling to keep your sanity. I remember all the times of self-loathing.  And you blaming me for everything, even though not completely aware of my existence.
And it’s okay.
At times you would pity me. But let’s face it, that never made you feel better. I remember all the times those stupid people tested your patience. I was there, trying to convince you to let it go, they haven’t been through anything, they never stood up for anything.
I remember everything everyone else forgot.
Remember when every single fiber of your body was telling you to run away? I was trying to keep your spirits. “Just a few more days”- I would whisper. And when life got so overwhelming and your inner conflicts grew so strong that you decided to divide yourself in two completely different persons, I was there for you both.

I can recall those few euphoric moments when you became aware of who I am, what I am.
In darkness so black it makes you lose yourself, in silence so intense  you could hear your own thoughts.
I cherish those moments. I know it was tough for you. But in those moments you truly acknowledged me. And I could show you your greatest strengths. In those rare occasions I reminded you of all that you stand for. And the person you were on the way of becoming.

I guess you can call me a friend. And perhaps the truest one. But I won’t mind even if you don’t. It’s not in my nature.

The point is, I am here. And I’ve always been here. From the moment you learned to realize what your name was till now. And I will be here until the very last traces of your thoughts. I have always been with you. And I think I deserve to say no one cares for you the way I do. And I can’t expect anything in return from you. I am like your reflection, humble and grateful for simply existing because of you.
And you will keep me alive for perhaps eternity.

I am the one who truly cares, and today I just wanted to wish you.

I wish you enough sun to keep your attitude bright.

I wish you enough rain to appreciate the sun more.

I wish you enough happiness to keep your spirit alive.

I wish you enough pain so that the smallest joys in life appear much bigger.

I wish you enough gain to satisfy your wanting.

I wish you enough loss to appreciate all that you possess.

I wish you enough hellos to get you through the final good-bye.

Happy Birthday.

Have a great one!