It probably needs no mentioning that I am Homesick.
To the point of a mental disorder.
If you know me, you've probably heard me say it thousands of time. And believe me, I'm not just saying this to get any attention or simply because its a fancy word. I never myself imagined I'd end up like this one day. You may or may not believe me, but I face a really difficult time dealing with this. It is way harder for me to cope with this than it is for you to hear me whine and complain about this. Perhaps one day when you face similar situations (I hope you never do), you will understand.
This was one of the main reasons for me to not participate in anything much in Khulna. Even though I was obliged to. Still, I tried, and participated in a bunch of activities. But I've reached a point where everything in Khulna has lost its charms for me. I don't exactly know why, which makes me hate and loath myself. Self loathing mixed with loneliness mixed with homesickness is a dreadful combo. It reduces you to someone you cant stand and drains out all your aspirations. Then the process repeats itself. The misery spirals outwards and outwards. I'm not going to go to the details but the fact is I've been stuck in this vicious cycle for years now. The only thing truly helping has been my family, friends and home.
I think they are the same thing though, not three different things.
So, anyways, coming 10th, 11th and 12th September will be the Rag day of my batch in Khulna University. I see many people working, helping out, and going out of their ways to make this huge program a success. Everyone is helping, except me.
I am acting like a total arrogant snob. An inconsiderate jerk. I was approached by some really nice people to pitch in, but I didn't. I didn't even tell them why, I just said NO.
I would've told you why if I had known for myself. How do I say this...... Its like a part of me pulling me away from these things. And Its not just the helping out part, I don't think I will attend the program myself. Rag day, last occasion of fun with a lot of familiar faces. Rag day of my own batch.
And still I won't attend.
Pathetic, I know. I am.
Maybe its because I miss my home so much that it makes having fun look sad. I feel guilty. Also maybe because I am afraid. Afraid of the huge sigh that will engulf me when all the flashy things are over because my friends are not with me. Without them nothing makes sense. I'll always be alone in a crowd without them beside. Its not that I can't stand people from Khulna, Its just that I cherish two simple days and Tea hangouts with my friends in Rajshahi than all this show-festivity. Everyone keeps telling me to participate more in Khulna University, as I will get a lot of time in life to spend in Rajshahi. And I wonder, what if THIS is all the time that is offered?
I am talking real gibberish today. The whole point of this post was to say sorry to certain people.
Rafi, Fahim, Antara, Rimon, Eric, Rupu, Tomal I will surely miss occasionally bumping into you people. I had some of my best times in this Campus with you guys.
I don't know a lot of people in my campus, but I sure am glad I knew you guys.
You asked for my help and I refused, even though I have fun working with you people.
I don't know if you'll ever read this someday but you should know.
I am really sorry.
ভালো থাকিস :)
To the point of a mental disorder.
If you know me, you've probably heard me say it thousands of time. And believe me, I'm not just saying this to get any attention or simply because its a fancy word. I never myself imagined I'd end up like this one day. You may or may not believe me, but I face a really difficult time dealing with this. It is way harder for me to cope with this than it is for you to hear me whine and complain about this. Perhaps one day when you face similar situations (I hope you never do), you will understand.
This was one of the main reasons for me to not participate in anything much in Khulna. Even though I was obliged to. Still, I tried, and participated in a bunch of activities. But I've reached a point where everything in Khulna has lost its charms for me. I don't exactly know why, which makes me hate and loath myself. Self loathing mixed with loneliness mixed with homesickness is a dreadful combo. It reduces you to someone you cant stand and drains out all your aspirations. Then the process repeats itself. The misery spirals outwards and outwards. I'm not going to go to the details but the fact is I've been stuck in this vicious cycle for years now. The only thing truly helping has been my family, friends and home.
I think they are the same thing though, not three different things.
So, anyways, coming 10th, 11th and 12th September will be the Rag day of my batch in Khulna University. I see many people working, helping out, and going out of their ways to make this huge program a success. Everyone is helping, except me.
I am acting like a total arrogant snob. An inconsiderate jerk. I was approached by some really nice people to pitch in, but I didn't. I didn't even tell them why, I just said NO.
I would've told you why if I had known for myself. How do I say this...... Its like a part of me pulling me away from these things. And Its not just the helping out part, I don't think I will attend the program myself. Rag day, last occasion of fun with a lot of familiar faces. Rag day of my own batch.
And still I won't attend.
Pathetic, I know. I am.
Maybe its because I miss my home so much that it makes having fun look sad. I feel guilty. Also maybe because I am afraid. Afraid of the huge sigh that will engulf me when all the flashy things are over because my friends are not with me. Without them nothing makes sense. I'll always be alone in a crowd without them beside. Its not that I can't stand people from Khulna, Its just that I cherish two simple days and Tea hangouts with my friends in Rajshahi than all this show-festivity. Everyone keeps telling me to participate more in Khulna University, as I will get a lot of time in life to spend in Rajshahi. And I wonder, what if THIS is all the time that is offered?
I am talking real gibberish today. The whole point of this post was to say sorry to certain people.
Rafi, Fahim, Antara, Rimon, Eric, Rupu, Tomal I will surely miss occasionally bumping into you people. I had some of my best times in this Campus with you guys.
I don't know a lot of people in my campus, but I sure am glad I knew you guys.
You asked for my help and I refused, even though I have fun working with you people.
I don't know if you'll ever read this someday but you should know.
I am really sorry.
ভালো থাকিস :)
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